Celebrity News:

Tokyo, Japan -- Wire services hastily retracted their erroneous quotes attributed to vapid heiress Paris Hilton concerning the alleged plight of inebriated elephants in India. The overexposed celebrity had in fact released a new series of video clips depicting her romantic exploits with slightly tipsy elephants. Cole Slaw of CS Profiles LLC, Ms. Hilton's exclusive media distributor and spokeswhore, announced the new clips' availability at a press conference in Tokyo on Tuesday.

"This is some of her best work yet," enthused Mr. Slaw, "and there's no doubt she gave Bobo, Theodore, and Babar IV a time they'll never forget. Well done, Paris."


Slaw also stated that Ms. Hilton had not profited from any of her previous sex tapes, and although the lifelike blonde mannequin did not need the money "she thought it might be nice to get sticky and roll around in it for a while".

Paris, whose inexplicable cult-of-personality has inspired the European country called France to name its capital after her, expressed relief that the video clips were "finally out in the open, like my cooter when I get in and out of cars."

"Those magnificent beasts were magnificent, "she gushed, "and they were beasts! I'd tell you more, but it would make me blush. I am a lady, after all!"

In a related development, Pakistan's recent inner political turmoil came to a sudden end when the troubled nation forged an unprecedented alliance with neighbor and long-time adversary India. Former Pakistani Prime Minister and current disruptive influence Benazir Bhutto announced that the two countries' historical differences had been set aside so the regional foes could collaborate in an effort to "save all our precious elephants from the threat of Ms. Hilton's cooter".